The first question many ask when suffering with serious illness is “Why me?” Suffering seems to invite us to take it quite personally, as if it had something to do with us. Suffering seems to be the only experience when we ask this question. If we win the lottery, would we ask: “Oh why me? What did I do to deserve all this money?” Or on those happy, satisfying days, we don’t seem to reflect on “Why me? What did I do to warrant being so happy?” These questions seem foolish when an abundance of happiness or excess money enters our lives but we do tend to ask the “Why me” question when illness befalls us. In the instances of happiness and money, we focus on being grateful and appreciative. With experiences of illness suffering, we tend to focus on what have we done to bring this level of suffering into our lives. Yes, suffering begs for explanation, but it is our beliefs about suffering that will either enhance or soften our suffering.
I first experienced suffering from illness in my childhood. My grandmother, who lived with us, suffered severe chronic illness from rheumatoid arthritis. I felt the demoralizing effects of suffering. I learned that my grandmother’s chronic pain controlled all of our lives, how well my brother and I would behave on any given day, and how we children became more compassionate because of having a chronic pain sufferer in the family. My grandmother was the center of our lives, but the chronic pain she suffered ruled all of our lives. The disease severely disfigured her hands, caused her knees to be swollen, resulted in her walking with a severe limp, and dictated how well she was able to live her life on any given day. But those disfigured hands made us apple pie, weeded our garden, and lifted numerous cups of tea while we exchanged stories of our lives with her.
But now I would very much like to know if she asked herself “Why me”. Perhaps she didn’t ask the question, or perhaps I didn’t listen. And if she did ask, how did she answer that question for herself. I would also like to ask what meaning and purpose did my grandmother give to this life of chronic pain? I do not recall as a child hearing her ask “Why me” but I do remember as a young child wondering “Why my Grandmother”.
Searching for the answer to “Why me?” can send us on a quest for the rest of our lives trying to determine why did illness happen. We can blame our genetics, lifestyle, or even God for our suffering from illness. But the great enlightenment and wisdom comes when we realize that suffering really has nothing to do with “us,” personally. It has to do with the larger human condition, our common humanity, and that to be alive is to know suffering. Suffering is not partial to any particular gender, race, or religion. It spares no one and favors no one. Suffering can visit the young as well as the old. We cannot go sideways in life to avoid suffering. No one escapes, except by challenging our constraining beliefs about suffering and asking different questions.
To soften our suffering, we need to stop taking suffering so personally. What would happen to our experience of illness suffering if we were to ask: “Why NOT me?” In my clinical practice and personal life, I have met wise, learned, and insightful individuals who understand and believe that the universe is not selecting or choosing them to suffer, and consequently they suffer less despite living with a serious illness.
Would a change in our question invite a change in our experience, in our beliefs about suffering? What would happen if we stopped resisting suffering and instead acknowledged this experience as an essential and obligatory part of living, of being alive? Would “Why NOT me?” paradoxically free us to allow healing to begin and suffering to soften or even vanish? I believe so and have witnessed in my practice that when an individual or family can ask the “Why NOT me?” question, healing has already begun. And I have experienced the power of this question in my own life.
I wish this idea of “not taking suffering personally” had come to me when I wrote my book “Spirituality, Suffering, and Illness: Ideas for Healing” in 2005. But I continue to learn about suffering through my own experiences of anguish and the heartfelt experiences of clients. Suffering is part of living, so I continue to learn from it and try to not take it so personally.
323 Responses to ““Why Me?” Taking Suffering Personally!”
Thanks for one’s marvelous posting! I actually enjoyed reading it, you can be a great author.I will always bookmark your blog and may come back in the future. I want to encourage you continue your great writing, have a nice evening!
Hello! I could have sworn I’ve been to this blog before but after reading through some of the post I realized it’s new to me. Anyways, I’m definitely happy I found it and I’ll be bookmarking and checking back frequently!
Hello there! I know this is kind of off topic but I was wondering which blog platform are you using for this site? I’m getting fed up of WordPress because I’ve had problems with hackers and I’m looking at options for another platform. I would be great if you could point me in the direction of a good platform.
This is an excellent final result, and the details you go into are great.
Thanks – Just the info I was looking for.. My search ends here..I would like to add your blog to my blogroll please tell me what anchor should I use?
Howdy just wanted to give you a brief heads up and let you know a few of the images aren’t loading correctly. I’m not sure why but I think its a linking issue. I’ve tried it in two different web browsers and both show the same results.
Greetings from Carolina! I’m bored to tears at work so I decided to check out your site on my iphone during lunch break. I love the info you provide here and can’t wait to take a look when I get home. I’m amazed at how fast your blog loaded on my cell phone .. I’m not even using WIFI, just 3G .. Anyhow, awesome site!
Hey this is kind of of off topic but I was wondering if blogs use WYSIWYG editors or if you have to manually code with HTML. I’m starting a blog soon but have no coding skills so I wanted to get advice from someone with experience. Any help would be enormously appreciated!
Hi! I’m at work browsing your blog from my new iphone 4! Just wanted to say I love reading through your blog and look forward to all your posts! Carry on the superb work!
Hi, i read your blog occasionally and i own a similar one and i was just curious if you get a lot of spam comments? If so how do you protect against it, any plugin or anything you can advise? I get so much lately it’s driving me insane so any support is very much appreciated.
With havin so much content and articles do you ever run into any problems of plagorism or copyright infringement? My blog has a lot of exclusive content I’ve either written myself or outsourced but it looks like a lot of it is popping it up all over the web without my permission. Do you know any ways to help reduce content from being stolen? I’d genuinely appreciate it.
Hey just wanted to give you a quick heads up. The words in your article seem to be running off the screen in Safari. I’m not sure if this is a format issue or something to do with browser compatibility but I thought I’d post to let you know. The layout look great though! Hope you get the problem resolved soon. Many thanks
Fantastic website you have here but I was curious if you knew of any user discussion forums that cover the same topics talked about here? I’d really like to be a part of online community where I can get advice from other experienced people that share the same interest. If you have any recommendations, please let me know. Thanks a lot!
Do you mind if I quote a couple of your articles as long as I provide credit and sources back to your site? My blog is in the exact same area of interest as yours and my visitors would certainly benefit from some of the information you provide here. Please let me know if this alright with you. Thanks!
What a lovely post – you’ve really made me miss New Zealand! I would love to go for a wander somewhere with such a beautiful rural setting!
I love your blog.. very nice colors & theme. Did you design this website yourself or did you hire someone to do it for you? Plz respond as I’m looking to construct my own blog and would like to know where u got this from. thank you
Hmm it seems like your website ate my first comment (it was super long) so I guess I’ll just sum it up what I submitted and say, I’m thoroughly enjoying your blog. I too am an aspiring blog blogger but I’m still new to everything. Do you have any tips for first-time blog writers? I’d certainly appreciate it.
We stumbled over here by a different web page and thought I might check things out. I like what I see so now i am following you. Look forward to going over your web page for a second time.
Hey there would you mind stating which blog platform you’re using? I’m looking to start my own blog soon but I’m having a tough time selecting between BlogEngine/Wordpress/B2evolution and Drupal. The reason I ask is because your design and style seems different then most blogs and I’m looking for something completely unique. P.S Apologies for getting off-topic but I had to ask!
Whats up this is kinda of off topic but I was wondering if blogs use WYSIWYG editors or if you have to manually code with HTML. I’m starting a blog soon but have no coding skills so I wanted to get advice from someone with experience. Any help would be greatly appreciated!
Greetings from Los angeles! I’m bored to tears at work so I decided to check out your blog on my iphone during lunch break. I really like the information you provide here and can’t wait to take a look when I get home. I’m surprised at how fast your blog loaded on my phone .. I’m not even using WIFI, just 3G .. Anyhow, excellent blog!
My wife and i felt absolutely glad when Albert managed to round up his studies with the precious recommendations he got through the weblog. It is now and again perplexing to just choose to be handing out things that many men and women could have been selling. And we all grasp we’ve got the writer to be grateful to because of that. The entire illustrations you’ve made, the simple web site menu, the relationships you will make it easier to foster – it is most superb, and it’s really helping our son and us reason why this topic is brilliant, and that is highly indispensable. Many thanks for all!
Excellent post. I had been taking a look at constantly this weblog web page that i’m influenced! Extremely beneficial information particularly the remaining period I sustain such data lots. I had been seeking this sort of details to have a prolonged moment. Thank you and greatest of superior fortune.
wonderful put up, very informative. I wonder why the opposite experts of this sector do not notice this. You should proceed your writing. I’m confident, you have a huge readers’ base already!
Hi there this is kind of of off topic but I was wondering if blogs use WYSIWYG editors or if you have to manually code with HTML. I’m starting a blog soon but have no coding expertise so I wanted to get guidance from someone with experience. Any help would be greatly appreciated!
Hi! I’ve been following your weblog for a while now and finally got the courage to go ahead and give you a shout out from Austin Tx! Just wanted to tell you keep up the fantastic work!
sleeping bag band sleeping bag extra wide sleeping bag kids walmart sleeping bag or quilt sleeping bag en rating system sleeping bag untuk anak sleeping bag eddie bauer sleeping bag blanket sleeping bag instead of bed sleeping bag cover
Howdy! Quick question that’s completely off topic. Do you know how to make your site mobile friendly? My web site looks weird when viewing from my iphone4. I’m trying to find a theme or plugin that might be able to resolve this issue. If you have any suggestions, please share. Many thanks!
Good day! I know this is kinda off topic but I’d figured I’d ask. Would you be interested in trading links or maybe guest writing a blog post or vice-versa? My blog addresses a lot of the same topics as yours and I believe we could greatly benefit from each other. If you happen to be interested feel free to shoot me an email. I look forward to hearing from you! Wonderful blog by the way!
Superb site you have here but I was curious about if you knew of any message boards that cover the same topics discussed in this article? I’d really love to be a part of community where I can get advice from other knowledgeable people that share the same interest. If you have any recommendations, please let me know. Kudos!
Greetings from Florida! I’m bored to tears at work so I decided to browse your blog on my iphone during lunch break. I love the information you present here and can’t wait to take a look when I get home. I’m shocked at how fast your blog loaded on my cell phone .. I’m not even using WIFI, just 3G .. Anyways, awesome blog!
Greetings I am so glad I found your blog, I really found you by accident, while I was searching on Digg for something else, Anyhow I am here now and would just like to say thanks for a fantastic post and a all round thrilling blog (I also love the theme/design), I don’t have time to read it all at the minute but I have bookmarked it and also added in your RSS feeds, so when I have time I will be back to read a lot more, Please do keep up the fantastic job.
That’s why it’s not easy to find world-class flower baskets, especially not online – unless, of course, you shop at 1-800-Flowers. Decades of experience have taught these top-notch professional florists what makes a great flower basket.
Great blog! Do you have any suggestions for aspiring writers? I’m planning to start my own blog soon but I’m a little lost on everything. Would you recommend starting with a free platform like WordPress or go for a paid option? There are so many options out there that I’m completely overwhelmed .. Any ideas? Cheers!
you are in point of fact a just right webmaster. The web site loading pace is amazing. It kind of feels that you are doing any distinctive trick. Moreover, The contents are masterwork. you have done a fantastic process on this topic!
Fantastic goods from you, man. I’ve understand your stuff previous to and you’re just extremely wonderful. I actually like what you have acquired here, really like what you are saying and the way in which you say it. You make it entertaining and you still take care of to keep it sensible. I can’t wait to read far more from you. This is really a wonderful website.
Everyone loves it when folks come together and share views. Great site, keep it up!
I’m curious to find out what blog system you are working with? I’m having some minor security issues with my latest site and I’d like to find something more safe. Do you have any solutions?
Have you ever thought about including a little bit more than just your articles? I mean, what you say is fundamental and everything. Nevertheless just imagine if you added some great pictures or videos to give your posts more, “pop”! Your content is excellent but with pics and clips, this site could undeniably be one of the most beneficial in its niche. Awesome blog!
I just stumbled upon your internet site and in accession funds to claim that I get in fact loved account your blog blogposts. The New Zealand study showed that no more nicotine is absorbed in the Runyan E-Cig than in the nicotrol inhaler… You’re an expert in this subject!
Hey! Would you mind if I share your blog with my facebook group? There’s a lot of folks that I think would really enjoy your content. Please let me know. Thanks
Hey, I think your blog might be having browser compatibility issues. When I look at your blog site in Ie, it looks fine but when opening in Internet Explorer, it has some overlapping. I just wanted to give you a quick heads up! Other then that, terrific blog!
Howdy just wanted to give you a quick heads up. The text in your article seem to be running off the screen in Firefox. I’m not sure if this is a format issue or something to do with web browser compatibility but I thought I’d post to let you know. The layout look great though! Hope you get the issue fixed soon. Cheers
Greetings! This is my first comment here so I just wanted to give a quick shout out and tell you I genuinely enjoy reading through your blog posts. Can you suggest any other blogs/websites/forums that go over the same topics? Thanks for your time!
It’s a shame you don’t have a donate button! I’d definitely donate to this fantastic blog! I guess for now i’ll settle for book-marking and adding your RSS feed to my Google account. I look forward to fresh updates and will talk about this site with my Facebook group. Talk soon!
You really make it seem really easy with your presentation but I find this topic to be actually one thing that I feel I might never understand. It kind of feels too complex and extremely vast for me. I am having a look ahead in your next publish, I’ll try to get the dangle of it!
Hello I am so grateful I found your webpage, I really found you by error, while I was researching on Yahoo for something else, Nonetheless I am here now and would just like to say thanks a lot for a marvelous post and a all round exciting blog (I also love the theme/design), I don’t have time to go through it all at the minute but I have saved it and also added your RSS feeds, so when I have time I will be back to read a lot more, Please do keep up the great work.
I believe you have remarked some very interesting points, regards for the post.
Hmm it looks like your website ate my first comment (it was extremely long) so I guess I’ll just sum it up what I submitted and say, I’m thoroughly enjoying your blog. I too am an aspiring blog blogger but I’m still new to everything. Do you have any helpful hints for first-time blog writers? I’d definitely appreciate it.
Hello there! I know this is kind of off topic but I was wondering which blog platform are you using for this website? I’m getting tired of WordPress because I’ve had problems with hackers and I’m looking at options for another platform. I would be great if you could point me in the direction of a good platform.