Skills for Seniors Caring for Seniors
Thursday, September 16th, 2010I officially became a senior this past year (as defined in Canada as 65 years of age)! I do not feel at all like I think a senior should feel. But nevertheless, I now can obtain discounts at the movies and at some drugstores on particular days. These are small delights for this aging milestone.
But the most curious developmental aspect of becoming a senior was the realization that I am now a Senior Daughter of a Senior Father (88 years).
Over the past couple of weeks, I experienced being a Senior caring for a Senior while my Senior Father and his Senior 84 year old wife (of eight years) were guests in my home. I was keen and willing to care for them and transport them to their various medical/dental appointments. I believed that I could easily implement some of the skills that I often use in my clinical practice when working with the elderly and their families. But alas, for the most part, these skills escaped me.
In my recent ‘at home experience’ of elder care, the huge difference was that I was caring for my Senior Father, not a client. I have a lifetime of history, patterns of interaction that are quite entrenched; mingled with strong affection for my Father. The other qualities that I wanted to express during my Father’s stay included kindness, patience, and thoughtfulness. I wish I could say that I demonstrated these qualities everyday but I cannot. Some days these qualities came easily, other days not so much.
I also found myself wanting to have a break from caring for my Father but guilt held me back. Did my Father also want a break from me sometimes? I blamed the close living quarters, tiredness, or was it just that two senior generations living together, even for a short time, are just not a “fit” in our Canadian culture. Is this what the need for respite feels like, for both a Senior Daughter and Senior Father?
Some days I relished having my Father in my home to benefit from his wisdom and experience. I took advantage of this opportunity by asking for his advice on various matters in my life but then would quickly fall into the trap of being too directive and instructive about his diabetic diet, his exercise, even his life.
No wonder my instructions were met by a wall of humor or defensiveness to deflect my intrusions into his life. Where was my real respect for his wisdom? Is this how Senior Daughters express their concern and love for the lack of a perceived healthy lifestyle of their Senior Parent(s). How quickly I forgot their many years of life experience and decision making that brought them to this moment.
These few weeks of living with my Senior Father and his wife was but a drop of time in all of our lives but many life lessons were learned. The main lesson for me was that the elderly like my Father and his wife who continue to live on their own with minimal assistance, need encouragement, admiration, respect and a cheering club for how they continue to manage their lives.
So I am left believing that I am under skilled (but willing to learn) as a young Senior Daughter but well skilled as a Health Professional to assist other seniors caring for seniors! I hope there will be a more of a professional/personal balance soon.
Perhaps it would also have helped if I had reviewed the recent educational DVD that Maureen Leahey and I just produced entitled: Tips and Microskills for Interviewing Families of the Elderly. In this DVD Maureen interviews a brother and sister in their early 70’s regarding the care they provide to their 99 years old mother.
Maureen and I offer our ideas on the DVD about how to engage with family members of the elderly, obtain a brief relevant history and assess one of the most common experiences of seniors caring for seniors, that is, caregiver burden and the impact on personal and family life. Maureen does a lovely job of responding to their suggestions about their mother’s care. You can view a sample streaming video of this DVD by just clicking on this link.
Are your skills in balance between caring for your elderly parents (if you have that privilege) and caring for the families of the elderly in your professional practice?
Janice M. Bell says:
September 16th, 2010
10:35 am
Loved your new blog and the particularly poignant and humble line…”other days not so much”. Oh yes–so much to learn in family nursing, in life, and even within our own families! JMB
Francine deMontigny says:
September 16th, 2010
5:33 pm
Very touching story, Lorraine. I will share with my undergraduate your words of wisdom. Thank you.
Nânci says:
September 17th, 2010
6:36 pm
Hi Lorraine!Your personal perspective is likely the most that we have here in Porugal; the caregivers have several problems about the organization that their lives are not; the needs that they can not fullfill because have someone else to take care of…
I have been through a study, recently, that showed that most of the caregivers (despiste I have few subjects), prefer “give up” some goods of their life, such as their own house to be with their parents…the women, as always, are the most workers for everything (ecah role she acts for the best she can, even if it will brings her some unhappiness); no resilience and a strong and powergful coping (even with some breaks off)…Well, it has been very interesting…
Just like you sad:”I also found myself wanting to have a break from caring for my Father but guilt held me back”, so because of that, the most important feeling of all: LOVE! And caring!
Thanks!
Regards,
Nânci
kim mui Foo says:
September 18th, 2010
10:51 pm
I love to read your blog and so much to learn in family nursing.
As we are growing into the greying society now is the senior taking care of the more senior.
Wish to share you story with my children and learn more from your word of wisdom.
Jocelyne says:
September 20th, 2010
6:08 am
Hello. It was nice to read your lived experience with senior parents. As I looked back in the past our families, from the young to the elderly,use to share the same quarters in mutiple room houses. This year I found myself pulling my three brothers in to try to share the caring of our 85 y.o. mother, who had a minor stroke and surgery. The closest one of us lives four and half hours away. We managed to take turns in taking care of her in her apartment once she left the hospital. What a challenge? As a 54 y.o daughter/nurse I found myself feeling the guilt but managed to put it aside so we could make the right decisions. The most difficult were the discussions, which took place via the phone or by email. And this without reminding everyone that even if she was ill our mother needed to be respected and was to take part in the decision making. At times she was too fragile emotionally to be able to rush into things so even if our time with her was limited we needed to pull back. We were able to stay with her for a good two months, but we are still asking ourselves questions on how to manage this alltogether. This is often the reality of families nowadays when most of us are not quite ready to retire but need to find creative ways to care for our parents. I appreciate this blog.
Rebecca Roth says:
October 6th, 2010
5:50 pm
Hello there. I am a third year undergraduate nursing student and also a home care worker in my local community. I have the privilege of working with many elders within my community, helping them with daily tasks, and also simply getting the opportunity to visit and get to know many of them closely. I am also privileged to be working in the same office as my mother. We both work as health care aides, visit most of the same patients, and can share knowledge and stories. I consider myself very lucky to have the same job as my mother, and after many years, witnessing my mother have satisfaction in her career choice. My mother does a truly wonderful job caring for the elderly in our community and they have all come to know and love her. However, this past July, my grandfather became very ill with several forms of cancer,and suffered his third heart attack. Upon being hospitalized, I quickly saw my mother’s passion, professionalism, and love for her job almost dissolve as she went to visit and care for my grandfather in the hospital. She became the very emotional and demanding family member that I have seen many times in the hospital, demanding all the information and often being left disappointed and upset. The deep connection with her father left her seemingly clueless on how to properly care for him and I saw her frustrated and depressed about the state he was in. I found my mother was quick to experience fatigue in caring for my grandfather as she was trying to do everything she could to care for him while often forgetting about her own life outside the hospital. As he started to improve, I saw my mother seem to have a burden lifted from her chest and the same wonderful caregiver returned. She began to smile again, and enjoy the time that she was at the hospital, but also the time that she was not. It became apparent how difficult it can be to care for your own elderly parents versus’ elders in the community, and I hope to be able to take this lesson with me as I begin working as a nurse and eventually caring for my own parents.
Alyssa Marfisi says:
October 7th, 2010
7:40 pm
Hello, I am a third year undergraduate nursing student and although I don’t have personal experience to relate to your story, I do have some clinical experience that I can draw many similarities from. As you said, there are set ways that people of the older generation may live by. We all have certain rituals or preferences, especially upon waking or going to bed, or eating. I experienced the difficulty of trying to accommodate someone else’s routine when they are unable to do it for themselves when working in a nursing home over the summer. There is one lady who has a certain way of doing everything and I, as well as her husband who shares a room, sometimes feel inadequate at performing these tasks for her in the correct manner. It is so easy to become frustrated, but this little bit of a routine helped ground the patient to begin or finish off her day. It was also evident when you did something incorrect because the patient would become upset and believe that you didn’t care about helping her. This patient taught me a valuable lesson in self-determination and being able to still have a sense of her self, which is often taken away from people as they get older. Physical limits do not necessarily mean that someone does not still want to take a part of their old life with them when they cannot manage it on their own.
Sara Servage says:
October 7th, 2010
10:17 pm
Hello, I am a third year nursing student with an interest in geriatrics. When I first went into nursing I thought I would do pediatrics and I thought that is what I was destined to do. After I completed my first year of nursing, my plans changed. I got two summer jobs one was with paramed going into people’s homes and helping them with their personal care and other tasks of daily living, such as dishes and laundry. I also got a job at a nursing home. I was working overtime and I simply could not get enough of it. I just loved being around the elderly and caring for them. As you mentioned in your story about your father being around to share his wisdom with you, that is one of my favourite parts about working with the elderly. I love hearing their stories. So many of them were in the war, were raised in the Great depression, etc. and there is much to be learned from them. Last summer I went back to both of my jobs and next summer I will be going back as well. I also have no desire to be a pediatric nurse anymore. I want to specialize in geriatrics and palliative care. It is not an easy field to go into because as you have experienced, it can be frustating and devestating at times however it is very rewarding to know that you are helping them.
Kayt Eubank says:
October 10th, 2010
9:45 pm
Hi there, I am a third year nursing student. I do not have any stories that relate directly to your blog however I have worked for the past two years as a personal support worker in a nursing home. When I started nursing I never thought I would enjoy working with the geriatric population. The more I am involved in my schooling and my work experiences the more interest that I have but also the more that I realize this population is important because they will be seen in all areas of nursing.
I have learned many things while working in a nursing home. The first is that every person has their own personal experiences that shape who they are. Taking a few minutes to sit and listen to their stories through conversation and photos is very important both for the client as well as for myself as a young person. Times have changed since they were young and it is great to hear the history directly from them rather than reading about it online or in books.
Another important thing that I have learned is that every person has their own habits, hobbies, and ‘rituals’ which they complete on a daily basis. The rituals comment is the one that I am going to focus on. While working in the nursing home, I found that a lot of PSWs quickly became frustrated that they couldn’t just put John Smith into pyjamas and into bed. He wanted his blinds at a certain height and ice packs/pillows placed in a certain way on and around the body until he decided they were right. How many rituals do you have throughout the day? Its the same for them and being able to accept, understand and comply to these traditions that the clients have is the first step to providing truly client centered care.
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