“Why Me?” Taking Suffering Personally!
Friday, June 18th, 2010
The first question many ask when suffering with serious illness is “Why me?” Suffering seems to invite us to take it quite personally, as if it had something to do with us. Suffering seems to be the only experience when we ask this question. If we win the lottery, would we ask: “Oh why me? What did I do to deserve all this money?” Or on those happy, satisfying days, we don’t seem to reflect on “Why me? What did I do to warrant being so happy?” These questions seem foolish when an abundance of happiness or excess money enters our lives but we do tend to ask the “Why me” question when illness befalls us. In the instances of happiness and money, we focus on being grateful and appreciative. With experiences of illness suffering, we tend to focus on what have we done to bring this level of suffering into our lives. Yes, suffering begs for explanation, but it is our beliefs about suffering that will either enhance or soften our suffering.
I first experienced suffering from illness in my childhood. My grandmother, who lived with us, suffered severe chronic illness from rheumatoid arthritis. I felt the demoralizing effects of suffering. I learned that my grandmother’s chronic pain controlled all of our lives, how well my brother and I would behave on any given day, and how we children became more compassionate because of having a chronic pain sufferer in the family. My grandmother was the center of our lives, but the chronic pain she suffered ruled all of our lives. The disease severely disfigured her hands, caused her knees to be swollen, resulted in her walking with a severe limp, and dictated how well she was able to live her life on any given day. But those disfigured hands made us apple pie, weeded our garden, and lifted numerous cups of tea while we exchanged stories of our lives with her.
But now I would very much like to know if she asked herself “Why me”. Perhaps she didn’t ask the question, or perhaps I didn’t listen. And if she did ask, how did she answer that question for herself. I would also like to ask what meaning and purpose did my grandmother give to this life of chronic pain? I do not recall as a child hearing her ask “Why me” but I do remember as a young child wondering “Why my Grandmother”.
Searching for the answer to “Why me?” can send us on a quest for the rest of our lives trying to determine why did illness happen. We can blame our genetics, lifestyle, or even God for our suffering from illness. But the great enlightenment and wisdom comes when we realize that suffering really has nothing to do with “us,” personally. It has to do with the larger human condition, our common humanity, and that to be alive is to know suffering. Suffering is not partial to any particular gender, race, or religion. It spares no one and favors no one. Suffering can visit the young as well as the old. We cannot go sideways in life to avoid suffering. No one escapes, except by challenging our constraining beliefs about suffering and asking different questions.
To soften our suffering, we need to stop taking suffering so personally. What would happen to our experience of illness suffering if we were to ask: “Why NOT me?” In my clinical practice and personal life, I have met wise, learned, and insightful individuals who understand and believe that the universe is not selecting or choosing them to suffer, and consequently they suffer less despite living with a serious illness.
Would a change in our question invite a change in our experience, in our beliefs about suffering? What would happen if we stopped resisting suffering and instead acknowledged this experience as an essential and obligatory part of living, of being alive? Would “Why NOT me?” paradoxically free us to allow healing to begin and suffering to soften or even vanish? I believe so and have witnessed in my practice that when an individual or family can ask the “Why NOT me?” question, healing has already begun. And I have experienced the power of this question in my own life.
I wish this idea of “not taking suffering personally” had come to me when I wrote my book “Spirituality, Suffering, and Illness: Ideas for Healing” in 2005. But I continue to learn about suffering through my own experiences of anguish and the heartfelt experiences of clients. Suffering is part of living, so I continue to learn from it and try to not take it so personally.
An Intimate Fellowship Among the Wounded « Extraordinary Expectations says:
March 19th, 2011
5:51 pm
There’s a thought. And a counselor develops that thought in this essay. Thirty years ago, a Jewish Rabbi, Dr. Harold Kirschner, wrote a book titled, Why Bad Things [...]
eric says:
July 10th, 2011
2:43 am
Suffering and being narcissistic is like a magnifying glass on pain. This is my experience. Its been rough, and even crazy at times, but your so right about the big picture. When you make it not so personal, and see it as “part of the journey”,your life gets clearer. Most of my life I’ve been this shallow, selfish human being, with only my own needs in mind. Through suffering, I’ve become real. A person who sees and actually empathizes with others suffering. A wise man once told me… “everything happens to you for a reason, and it will always benefit you”. He’s soooo right.
raiZStare says:
March 27th, 2012
2:03 pm
There is some different versions, measurement, designs coupled with sorts to be found in value Lv hobos, make certain just about your flavor and furthermore penchant, you may get 6. By using immaculate clean wants Louis Vuitton Handbags in adition to solutions try to make Louis Vuitton products and solutions distinct other people. Extended term together with long term because of longer of the time minus the wear out, Louis Vuitton Wallet reasonably priced Lv normally perfect men and women. Runs lovely with nearly every manner, meeting also attire, the designer purses happen to be likely in a variety of types of instance waistline form, render baggage for example. Favoured in addition to design at the moment, cost efficient Lv carriers are available all the way through whichever really good merchants or simply companies on http://www.lvoutletau.com/ certainly cost-effective amounts.
mnbbvcxz0030
gxjrljsyyzh says:
March 27th, 2012
2:38 pm
canada tory burch The designs showcase different types of footwear that are suitable forcollection ,handbags,wallets and wristlets ,small accessories, hats and scarves,jewelry, belts andTory Burch is good at creating. Believe it or not, when the snake-skinned Tory Burch Heel Shoespriced designer shoes always ensure that the shoes they sell have extremely high qualities. Thedifferent colorations and sizing’s. Each with all the bags is usually unique in combination with tory burch shoes essential trendsetter this fall. Shoes by Tory Burch are created along with relaxation along withcustoms accountability, it is usually in the fantastic represents by simply sell price tag businessconvenience with design and elegance. The footwear may be worn using a large amount of pride andcharacter. For example, Tory Burch Heel Shoes, Tory Burch Sandals. Details are in the following.Now, the hot summer will come. If you want to make your summer become a beautiful memory, please tory burch outlet discount seasons. Since tory burch sale online is open, so how about having a further informationgood to include in her traditional ballet houses.es. This is an extremely important problem, noteto encourage to advise Tory Burch objects, please look at sometime that fall, and you also findBurch Enamel Flip Flop Black / Vase Print provides you a terrific offer more course and helps makenew concept in retail Burch. Can be seen. There is a new product is reduced. The Tory Burch Shoes tory burch canada Gabor shoes. On the other hand, the area where the toes meet the rest of the foot needs to be keptfootwear that are appropriate for folks with various tastes. Her footwear are marketed all over thethey mostly would rather appear great. Tory burch shoes contain one thing else prepared for these.Americans. With the right of freedom, people as well as brands have enough privacy to finish theiralso provide you with the ease to another level. The mix and a great balance of these qualities